13:51 

Deb of Night

Sammie.
If you really want to see Mary, you should just die.






1

Hello LA, you're up way past your bed time, aren't you? Hope you've slipped into something comfortable, I know I have. If you're new to town or just new to this whole radio thing, you're listening to The Deb of Night, the only girl who will spend the night with you and leave first thing in the morning, guaranteed. Well, looks like the boards are lighting up! Aren't I the popular one. Lets see, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, who will be the lucky... caller, you've got the first shot at Deb tonight! So who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? Hi Deb, this is... ah, Vigo. Vigo? So... Vigo, why are you up so late? Ahm, I'm working the late shift here at the... ah, yacht club. Aha. How many boats do you own, Vigo? Two, actually three. Ahm, one is... in the shop. I used to do a little yachting myself, what brand of yacht do you have? Ahm... you probably wouldn't know the brand, I... ah, bought them in Italy. Ah, l'Italia bella. Parlate Italiano? Ahm... yes. Arrivederci, Vigo. Caller two, you're on The Deb of Night. Be gentle. Hi Deb. Hello caller. Hi Deb. Is tonight a re-run? Deb?

Caller number three, what's keeping you up tonight? Deb, listen to me Deb. They're at it again and people have got to know. They've got to know because they don't know, they won't report this stuff on the news because they own the news! Hello Gomez, what's the latest conspiracy? Conspiracy? This goes beyond conspiracy, okay? There is no word for something as devious and secret as this, you understand? People need to hear this, they need to know the real story! You've got our undivided attention. Alright, as we all know the Americans established a Moon base back in the late seventies, that's no secret. But what most people don't know is that they have been conducting a dig. Not for resources, but for artifacts. I see. Well, it's no coincidence that the Chinese have started conducting space missions. You know why? I'll tell you why. The reason is because the Chinese are trying to stop the Americans from finding an ancient space probe send by the Beta-Centaurians. And why? Because the Beta-Centaurians are giving space technology to the Chinese to get back at the Andromedans - a.k.a. the Greys - for giving space technology to the Americans in the fifties. Fascinating. The American government's been putting more money into space. Don't you see what's happening? I can't believe I'm the only one that's figured it out! Am I the only person alive that can see what's going on? It's because the Andromedans and the Betas are going to be fighting their war in this galaxy through us, Deb. And the American people, the people of Earth, you people, cannot let this happen! It's Mu versus Atlantis all over again! Thank you Gomez, and that concludes the news portion of the show. Well, this girl's gotta pay her bills so it's time for a few commercials. But don't go anywhere, I'm just getting warmed up, or... should I say hot.

Friggin Chicken recently challenged several random people to a taste test between Friggin Chicken and the other leading chicken-flavored products. Let's listen, for which one they prefer. Ma'am, care to parcipitate in a taste test? Here, try this leading brand of chicken. Oh, oh my gosh! Is that week old fish? Now try this! Oh, oh! This is some good * chicken! What is this? Sir. Take a test for me? Sure. Ah, oh, ah, phew, seriously, did you have these up your *? Here, try this one. Hmmm, hey, mmm, mother* great chicken right there! What is this? It's Friggin Chicken. This is cat, right? Are you feeding me cat? Try this. Holy *! * that's good. What the * is this *? Nine out of ten people prefered Friggin Chicken over the competition. Why? Because that's some good * chicken! I mean Friggin Chicken. Friggin Chicken! You'll swear it's the best you've ever had. You loved the talking baby movie. And the talking pig. And even that talking car in that show, you know the one I'm talking about. But now prepare for the most hilarious talkingest normally mute object yet! He's Steve Cash, a New York banker and recent widower down on his luck. And ten makes one hundred. Here's your money, ma'am. Ma'am? I happen to have a glandular problem. That's it! I'm withdrawing all my millions from this bank. Cash! (laughter) She's an ATM machine with the soul of his dead wife. There's something familiar about this ATM machine. I LOVE YOU. Wow, those marketing guys are geniuses! (laughter) Together, they're learning to make the most out of their special situation. SO THAT GIRL FROM ACCOUNTING USED ME TODAY. Really? SHE WASN'T LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. WHEN SHE PUSHED MY BUTTONS SHE WAS VERY GENTLE. Oh honey, if you don't stop I'm gonna have to make a deposit. (laughter) Transferring Cash. Wednesdays at 8:30 in the BMC.

Not sure about "Desetron" since it's a made-up word; feel free to suggest better spellings. A lot of the changes in this last part are just capitalization. Also, is the name of the Republican spelled Thorn or Thorne? I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure there's a billboard in downtown LA that has his name on it.

Say goodbye to yellow teeth and spots on your dirty dishes. It's incredible! Look at that shine. Your smile... or these dinner plates? (laughter) Harnessing the secrets of ancient Egypt, now there is a dish washing detergent so powerful, it doesn't just leave your dishes spotless, it actually whitens your teeth. Patented time-released spiritoids remove caked-on food and grease and remain on the plate to be absorbed into your food to clean your teeth while you eat. Desetron, the dish washing detergent of the future, for cleaner plates and whiter teeth! Last year Democratic candidate Michael Redmonds bought a sport utility vehicle. Three month later there were two seperate incidences of hit-and-runs by an unidentified SUV in his area. Is Democratic candidate Michael Redmonds to blame? Can you afford to take that chance? Can your children? Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorn, a candidate that has never committed vehicular homicide. Democratic candidate Michael Redmonds has never publicly stated his opinion on child pornography. Is it because he is hiding something? Would you want a child pornographer voting on this nation's laws? Would you trust your children's future to someone like that? Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorn, the candidate that is committed to locking up child pornographers. Democratic candidate Michael Redmonds recently sued Senator Robert Thorn for accusing Redmonds of being a murderous child pornographer. But Redmonds had previously said he was against clogging up courts with frivolous lawsuits. Wouldn't this make him a hypocrite? Would you want a hypocrite as your next congressman? Would you want your children to become hypocrites? Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorn, a candidate not accused of being a murderous child pornographer. In a world where people live and die. Do you think you could just go in there and handle this by yourself? If that's what it takes. He was about to meet his greatest foe. Kill them all, all of them! And a girl. Hello! Hi. And a comic relief sidekick, who won't make it to act three. I picked the wrong month to cancel my life insurance. No, don't say that. You're gonna make it. With the guy from that other movie that was slightly popular, and what's-her-name, from that show you sometimes watch. In a movie with two spectacular CGI battle sequences and an advertising campaign that will leave you no choice but to see this film. See it, because it's a movie and all your friends are going. In theatres friday and on DVD in three months.

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2


Did ya miss me? Judging by the way the boards lit up, I'd say you couldn't live without me. You make me feel so desirable, LA. So many callers, so little time. If you don't get through to me tonight, don't let it break your heart; I'm here each and every a.m. So keep dialing those magic numbers, and just maybe you'll be as lucky as this caller. What's your name, night owl?

Hello, Deb. This is Greg.

Hello, Greg. Up late, aren't we?

Well there Deb, I work a night shift here at the power plant, pretty much alone, and the only thing that gets me through this shift is your pretty little voice.

Thank you, Greg.

Why, I imagine if you was half as pretty as your voice, then you're the prettiest woman in this city.

Aren't you the gentleman?

Ahh, I imagine you a lot, Deb ... like I said, I'm all by myself, and it does get lonely. Sometimes a man can't help himself, especially when I hear you ... it's like you're here, straddling my -

Greg, there's a little thing called too much information. Caller, you're whiling away the evening with the Deb of Night.

Good evening, Deb.

Yes, I think that's implied by the title of the show.

(chuckle) Do you ever worry, Deb, that the world is going to end?

I haven't felt that way since Brad Pitt got married.

(chuckle) Do you have any idea how insignificant you are? When they start devouring the world, you will be but a bloodstain on their capes.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

There is a red star in the night sky. The blood of mortals and the blood of ages, all will be consumed. They are coming. These are the final nights.

Okay! Well, good luck in the next election, Senator! Apologies to all you night owls out there, but this girl's got something she's got to take care of for the next few minutes. Here's a little music to keep you ... up ... if you get my meaning.



(car horn honking) Phil's here. Gotta run. Great breakfast, honey.

Have a good day, dear. I'm glad you liked the muffins.

Hey, what's that on the counter? That's not my margarine! That's butter!

It's -

(slap) Bitch! You know I'm supposed to watch my LDL levels!

(sobbing) I ... I thought it would be a nice change! You couldn't even tell!

You don't want a divorce! You're trying to kill me! I'm glad I slept with your sister! (door slams)

I Thought It Was Margarine Grade B butter: all the rancid taste of margarine with all the saturated fat of butter.


You're on fire, Bill!

I finally took your advice, and you were right! I feel more confident than ever.

You da man. Isn't it great?

I couldn't even believe it. We went out to dinner, and afterwards we started getting busy. I went into the bathroom to take it. I could feel it right away! Hell, you could see the tidal change in the toilet bowl!

Vivisitrek: for when an ordinary drug-enhanced erection just isn't enough. Common side effects include fainting, tingling in extremities, temporary blindness, deathly pallor, time perception distortions, aggravated bladder syndrome, emotional incest, pronounced incontinence, delusions of grandeur, and elevated risk of stroke.


Grandpa, will you take me to Space Burger?

Space Burger, huh? You know, when I was your age, space was mostly a mystery. We didn't know what was up there. Why, I thought there were little alien kids on Mars that might be watching me. Yeah, I used to make signs for them saying, "Hello Martians!" or "Give me a ride on your rocket craft!" 'Course, I was young and naive thinking Martians could read English. (chuckle) Everyone knew Martians communicated telepathically through space operators on their moonbase!

Billy, what did I tell you about talking to Grandpa?

But I want to go to Space Burger!

Space Burger! This looks like a job for Commander Mom! Report to the space van.

Oh boy!

We can drop Grandpa off at the home on the way there.

'Course you don't see Martians on space probes. (chuckle) Everyone knows Martians live in invisible domes!

Space Burger: food for the space age, not old age.


Money troubles? Need cash quick? Why not try mugging someone? These are exactly the kind of questions that criminals are asking themselves right now. Did you know that the government requires you to wait ten days for a gun? Why, in that time a criminal could kill your family fifty times over. So how does a law-abiding citizen like yourself get a theft-deterrent system in their hands in the next hour? Come to Loophole Lenny's! We've got antique military weaponry from blunderbusses to World War One grenades. Modern muggers may be stronger and faster than they used to be, but that doesn't mean they can take a slug fired by a Civil War era pistol any better. And if you're the kind of person that can't sleep at night knowing serial rapists might be in your front yard, we've got German sniper rifles approved by the Kaiser himself that'll make picking them off one by one from the safety of your roof no problem. Buy a weapon this month and we'll throw in an ammo belt with the Constitution printed on it free of charge. Loophole Lenny's: defending your tomorrow with the weapons of yesterday, today.


Aww, would you look at this?

What's that?

"Plague of locusts descend on small Indian town."

Geez, I can't imagine what that must be like.

And look at this: "Civil war still raging between ethnic factions in Eastern Europe."

Yeah, heard about that.

And in Zimbabwe, they got to use ox carts for ambulances.

That's terrible. Hey, it's a good thing we live in the U.S.

It sure is, buddy. Hey, bartender. Two more U.S. Ales?

U.S. Ale: welcome to the united states of inebriation.


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3


The moon is out, everyone's in dreamland, and you've tuned in to The Deb of Night. Nobody to fall asleep next to? Go ahead and pull the radio into bed. That's what I'm here for. And hey, why don't you call me some time? Area code 323, KL5-KTRK. Looks like somebody's been waiting in the queue quite awhile to speak to yours truly. So caller, why aren't you asleep?

Uhm... uh, insects.

Insects... as in, you have an insect problem? Or chirping crickets are keeping you up? Or you have nightmares about them? Help me out here.

No, no, no. Don't you know? When you fall asleep, they can crawl into your mouth or your ears, or... or your nose. You can't prevent it if you're asleep. I mean, what can you do?

Are there any scientists out there listening to this?

Uhm... I read something, I don't know where, but do you know the average person eats several pounds of insects a year? The majority of that weight is composed of roaches, ants, and spiders. Just knowing that as soon as you close your eyes, a big fat centipede is going to drop into your mouth and crawl down your throat... I... I can't do it! I never sleep at night.

You know, they voluntarily eat insects in some countries.

Yeah, well, those countries probably need Jesus!

So you never sleep at night... I assume you do sleep, right?

I sleep at work.

And what exactly do you do?

I'm a middle school teacher.

That would explain why my nephew invested that twenty I sent him for his birthday on magic beans. It's always good to know that the future of our country is in good hands, isn't it? Oh boy. Let's see who else we got. Caller, what do you do for a living?

I'm Roger.

Okay. And what do you do, Roger?

Um, I'm a writer, Deb.

So have you written any movies I might have seen?

Well, I actually haven't finished any screenplays yet.

I see. So have you done any other kinds of writing?

Well, just some outlines right now, but I've got some really good ideas for some stories that are crawling around in the old noggin.

So if you haven't really written anything, how can you call yourself a writer? Because I once fixed my toilet doesn't make me a plumber, right?

Well, you see...

Is there anyone in this city that doesn't call themselves a writer or actor or a director? Don't you think you're doing a disservice to those who actually make their living in those art forms by deeming yourself something you're not, or not even trained to do?

Uhm, well, I think I'm pretty good at knowing what's good writing from bad writing.

Wouldn't that make you a critic? Let's see if anyone else agrees. Line two, are you ready for a menage a trois?

Sure thing, Deb.

And would you please state what you do for a living?

I'm a personal assistant for a producer at Parasite Studios.

Perfect. Do you read a lot of screenplays?

Don't get me started.

Well, for our writer on the phone, here's your big chance to pitch your screenplay. Is that okay, line two?

Sell me, dude.

Well, uhm... okay. So, uh, my story's about this guy -

You don't say.

Okay, okay, so this guy, he's... well he's like a... an FBI agent, but, y'know, he doesn't really work for the main FBI. And, uh, he's got this partner who's new and really cute, but she's also a really good agent. And they're, like, assigned to this bizarre case where people are being killed in really strange ways.

Uh-huh.

And then, like, something happens, and the girl agent gets kidnapped by the killer.

"Something happens."

Yeah, well, I haven't quite figured it out yet, but, like, the guy agent notices, like, how the killer seems to know everything he's doing, like, one step ahead of him. And then there's this kind of... you know, weird chase scene, and then, like, we find out that the guy's got two personalities. And, like, he finds out in the end that he's the killer! And then... he's kidnapped his own partner!

Well line two, what do you think? You gonna option it or not?

Uh, writer dude?

Roger.

Uh, Roger. Would you like my professional opinion?

Yeah.

Where are you from?

Um, Wisconsin.

Okay. I want you to get all your stuff together, and then I want you to move back to Wisconsin.

That's a little cold, line two.

That's Hollywood, baby.

Maybe it's just too good for you.

Uh, no dude, it's not.

Break it up, you two. Final thoughts, guys?

Wisconsin.

I have some other things I'm working on too. I've got some pretty good ideas for video games, I think. If anyone's interested in hiring me, my number's 213-

Sorry Roger, the only one that gets to give out their number on this show is me. And if anyone was thinking of asking what I'm wearing, that number again is 323-KL5-KTRK. We're going to take a short commercial break, but that doesn't mean you can stop thinking about me. Don't go anywhere, boys.


Does your penis always seem to be getting in the way?

I got the last of the grocieries, honey. I just need to close the trunk. (trunk slams shut, followed by a scream of pain)

One more nail and this bird house will be as good as new! (hammer strikes nail, followed by a scream of pain)

I'm sorry, sir. This dressing room is for women only.

You don't have to let this happen to you. Hi, I'm doctor Fred Tuck. Don't let your penis interfere with the quality of your life anymore. I have performed over three hundered sex changes in my career, and not one of my patients has ever asked for their tackle box back. Come to Tuck's Sex Exchange in the next month, and I'll give you a free estimate. Don't let your piece interfere with your peace of mind.

Tuck's Sex Exchange: located off Beverly Drive. Look for the sign with Toothy, the surgical saw.


Tired of sluggish internet access?

Mom! The internet's all slow again.

I'm not your mom. I'm the creature that evolved out of your mom.

Sick of unwanted spam?

Oh... oh... another e-mail message from my old college roommate, Rod Hugeous. Oh... oh my!

Computer problems make it frustrating to log on?

Error 432: network access remote server memory allocation assessment table exceeded. Hard drive reformatting will now commence? WHAT?

Looking for something that requires no log-ons, no unwanted e-mail, coherent sentences, and no technical problems whatsoever? Read a book. Books: the original internet.


Terrorists are prepared to destory the largest dam in America... again.

When the bomb goes off, this Hoover will be caught with his panties down!

And only this renegade cop and his ex-wife's manicurist stand between destruction and unexpected love.

I'll just file you as DOA. (gunshot)

This summer all bets are off, the heat is on, the fix is in, the dogs are out, the game is up, the chips are down, the stakes are high, the odds are low, the danger is huge, the payoff is slim, friendships will be made, rules will be broken, wrongs will be righted, and no unturned stone will be left... uh... get ready to be turned inside out and upside down. Hoover 2: Hydro-electric Boogaloo. The best dam movie you'll see this year.


When I'm grinding the reverse poindexter 540 to ollie northbound the contraband, I can't think about being bloated. That's why every morning I down a Pound Ground, the gentle extreme laxative sports drink, because when you're pulling a wicked skull cross 720, you don't want anything to slow you down.


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4


Deb's back, and she's got a fresh cup of coffee ready to take it into the AM. In case you don't know it, you're tuned in to The Deb of Night on KTRK. I'm your lovely hostess, feel free to fantasize about me all you want. But please, don't send any more drawings. The lines are all full, so why don't I provide some release? Line three, you're speaking to me. **S'up, Deb?** And what have you been up to tonight, caller? Wink, wink. Ha, ha, ha, I get it. Ha, I'm **messed up** Deb(?), hooh! What's the occasion? It's a weekday. Touche. Hey Deb, ha, ha, hey Deb, ha, hey Deb. Yes general? Hoho, bad. I had this amazing idea, I thought. You ready for this? All night. Y-You know all those problems we been having in the mideast? Yes. Those damned Virginians. Okay, okay. So I got figured this out, right? Okay, okay. So if we want peace in the middle-east, think about it. What makes people peaceful? Smoking **the sensimilla**(?). And what brings people together? Pizza. So like think on this. For like half the cost **of one of them blockbuster** bombs, we can like find a pizza and enough **herb**(?) for like everybody over there. And have like Baam, instant **best buds, man.** Just say no, dude. Uhm, **and** extra peperoni. **'ey**, you guys take credit cards?

Moving on, line four, what's keeping you up tonight? Deb. I'm about to reveal something that... I'm putting my **life** on the line. But the people, the people of this city and this country and this planet, they have the right to know this, **do** you understand? What's the word, Gomez. This is serious. There are a lot of organisations who would do anything in their power to keep this a secret. I don't doubt. Deb, Deb, this is really serious now, can I finish? Alright. Everyone knows they've got cameras at every **stoplight** so the government can keep **tabs** on our comings and goings. But did you know that they then sold access to **their** data bases to the Illuminati, who **has** been using that information to compile a list of the most frequently travelled routes and then opening new locations of their well known chain of coffee houses in the most **profitable** locations? And did you also know that they **use those funds to suppress** fusion and solar power? It all makes sense now. Well they, the Illuminati, control all the worlds energy, and because they monitor all of our energy **usage**, they can tell who is not watching television, and therefore know who is not receiving the sublimal messages, that they send to keep the sheep, putting their money in banks away from their secret headquarters, a.k.a. Wyoming. Amazing. Anything else that you've turned up lately? As a matter of fact, and again I shouldn't be talking about this, but I believe that it's **everybody's** right to know that recycling is a myth. All that they do with those bottles and cans is **collect** DNA samples from your saliva, so that they can clone you. And train your clone to assasinate you and assume your identity, should you go poking your nose into the whole global warming business. Thank you Gomez, I hate to interrupt this mentally stimulating conversation, but the people who keep me chained to the console at this radio station, in my underwear no less, want you to spend money on this stuff.

Last year Democratic candidate Michael Redmonds bought a **sports** utility vehicle. Three **months** later there were two seperate incidences of **hit-and-runs** by an unidentified SUV in his area. Is Democratic candidate Michael Redmonds to blame? Can you afford to take that chance? Can your children? Vote Republican senator Robert Thorne, a candidate that has never committed vehicular homicide. Democratic candidate Michael Redmonds has never publicly stated his opinion on child pornography. Is it because he is hiding something? Would you want a child pornographer voting on this nation's laws? Would you trust your **children's** future to someone like that? Vote Republican senator Robert Thorne, the candidate that is comitted to locking up child pornographers. Democratic candidate Michael Redmonds recently sued Senator Robert Thorne for accusing Redmonds of being a murderous child pornographer. But Redmonds had previously said he was against clogging up courts with frivolous law suits. Wouldn't this make him a hypocrite? Would you want a hypocrite as your next congressman? Would you want your children **to** become hypocrites? Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, a candidate not accused of being a murderous child pornographer.

Preparing for a business sales pitch but don't know how to sell your ideas? Try Virtual Meeting! So if we divert advertising away from expensive television spots and spread it around full page ads in the leading men's magazines we can - That's an idea but here is one I think we should do. But I didn't finish! Yes, that's a good point but everyone listen to my idea. But I think - That's true, however, I don't think that our **target market** (?) will be willing to accept such a radical approach. Listen to what I have to say on this subject, are you ready? Good. This is a winner. And Virtual Meeting doesn't just **help with meetings**. They can also prepare you with debating your ideas on the internet. So, I think if the Democrats are going to have a chance at the office they're going to have to embrace the more liberal sect of the voter block. Shut up, **BLEEP-tard** (?). I majored in political science, I think I know what I am talking about here. **Laughing out loud, you are so gay. Virtual Meeting! The only meeting preparation device to own. That was a good idea which was mine originally,**BLEEP-tard**.

In 1984 a generation of children were introduced to a toy that became an instant classic. Twenty years later, that toy is transforming to blend into a whole new environment. Hey, Bob, right? M-mind if I borrow your stapler? (transform sound) You want staples? Get some of these, **Execucon!** (?) (tacker sound) Nahhh! Take control of the noble Office Bots, as they **wage-slave** (?) their secret war against the evil **Execucons**. Hey, I'm gonna be here pretty late. Do you mind if I get a cup of that coffee? **Crapitron**, transform! (transform sound) Coffee is for closers, Office Bots. (russle sound) Collect thirty different corporate robots as they battle for workplace supremacy! Look out Optical Mouse Prime, it's **Cellphoner** (?)! I've got your number employees and you're all getting called in this weekend. (transform sound) Office Bots! Transform and **clock** in. Deformers!

You live. (bird singing) You die. (bell ringing) And sometimes you get brought back to life. (thunder and screaming) This fall. I'm afraid I can't see too well these says. Do you think you could go to the nearest village and pick me up a loaf of bread? Breaaaad! Gooood! The new horror RPG from Troika games. Breaaaad! Oh, I can tell you were the baker is, stranger. But before I do, would you mind picking up my little girl from the lake? You are The Monster. (scream) Or are you? If you wanna enter this bakery, you'll have to defeat me! And this door. (door closing) Frankenstein: Bread Bust. Coming soon to a PC near you. Gaaaame! Gooood.


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5


Still awake? Something on your mind? Give me a call, 323-KL5-KTRK. Ask to speak to **the cute one**. Hey, all you night owls! Is the human race going crazy or is it just me? Seems like all you hear is bad news lately. Anybody feel the same way? Feel like the world's cracking at the seams? Why don't we make that the topic for tonight? And if that doesn't work, you can all go back to calling in with the usual pervert stuff. Line five, you're on with The Deb of Night. So tell me, is society going to hell or not? I think so, Deb. And why is that? Well, for one I lost my job a month ago and our managment gave **themselves** a bonus for it. I'm sorry to hear it. And just the other night I happen to look out my window here in Santa Monica. **which** used to be a nice neighborhood. I saw the local dinner where I've been eaten my breakfast for years get shot ot pieces. Can you believe that? Like noone cares about anyone anymore. I hear it. And my neighbor's boy. **Sheesh**, he's been using **speed** (?) since **he was** in junior high, steals from his parents. That's a shame. Yeah, there was a time when **this** sort of thing just didn't happen. You know why? Why is that? Well, because a man could beat a woman and children when they got out of line. **They didn't even have** to be blood, you **could just slap** the little bastard. Hah, the good old days. Why don't you hit the activity room and **reminisce** some more, grandpa?

Anyone have any **musings that don't end up in assault charges** (?). Yah, hi. Wow, here is a rare event, a female perspective that isn't my own! Go ahead, sister. **Uhmm**, I just wanted to say that I agree with you for the most part. Things have really started to suck in the last few years. **Mmhmm**. Yah, it's like... I can't see myself bringing a child into this world, you know? I hear you. Except **if** it was, like, **Ash River's** baby. Oh, he is so amazing, Deb! I **would**, like, populate a mini van for him. Oh my god! Ya, but what are the chances of that **deleted duplicate phrase** happening? I don't know. But I'm, like, **at** his club every night, ha. Okay, but back to the topic. Oh, and this one time I was working as a waitdress at this award show and I served him a drink and he told me "Thanks, beautiful." And there was, like, a moment definately something there, you know? **Sure, girl** (?), (beep) but tonights topic isn't Ash Rivers. Ya, well. That's probably really good because all of you other females, better stay the hell away from him! You know what I mean? I'm glad to provide a public forum for **the wacked out** of both sexes. Let's try to stay on topic, shall we?

Deb of Night? That's me. I **recently found out I was a vampire** (?). Oho, I was one of those once, and **then** it was November first. **It's** not a joke, I'm really worried about this. Aha. **This girl at the club took me to the bathroom** (?) and she did something to me! Back in my club days we used to call that a favour. Oh caller, could you hold on, **I've** got Frankenstein on the line. Frankenstein, something you wanna to add to this conversation? Roaaaar! I see. Your rebutal, caller. I am not lying, it happened to me. It could happen to anyone. Roaaaar! Roaaaar! **Ooh**, good point. You want some advice? Wash off the eyeliner, put on something that is not black and go get a tan at the beach. Jeez, The Deb of Night show does not endorse the goth lifestyle and take it from Deb, pretending you're a vampire only impresses people with similar physical **ickyness**.

Next caller. Deb, I think the **world's been messed up, is **messed up, and will continue to be messed up** (?). Oh, an optimist. Now, **bear** with me but I know what the cause of all the worlds problems is. Nipples on TV? Exactly! Nudity? Not too much nudity, not enough nudity. Clothes make a person **dishonest** (?). They're hiding their true **selves** away under them. **clothes promote problems, like class (?) and **sense of superiority and concealed weapons** (?). Why? How much do you think we spend on clothes **as a** people? What if that money was going toward science. Why, we'd be living in a futuristic techno world by now! Have you even been to a nudist colony? Not attractive. **The fact** that you think it should be is a side effect of **the prurient** media. You're not **de-sensitized** to nudity. Just think. If the man at the movie consession (?) wasn't wearing his pants today you'd storm out **of the theater in a tizzy** (?)! But in the new world, it'd be "Popcorn and a medium soda, please." No, I think what would happen is I'd **lose** my appetite. And isn't **obesity** (?) one of our nations biggest problems? Another benefit of nudity. And what all about that hallabaloo (?) that people make when a person **walks around** (?) the way mother nature made him on a brisk spring afternoon. **Arrested for public indecency?** Why, in a nude world **it'd be common place** (?). **Folks** (?) would ask you, how many people did you expose yourself to today? As proud as I am of my girls, I think **I'm going to limit them** (?) to private appearances.

Next caller. Deb, this is it! This time I stumbled across something that is bigger than anything you could possibly imagine. A threat to the entire human race's existance. Ah, Gomez! You know it's been a bad night when I've been looking forward to your call. Deb, nothing can prepare the world for this. This is the biggest story in the history of humanity ever! Ever **Deb**, how I found this out I can't say but I'm risking my **life** to tell the world this. Are you prepared for this? Sure. People **of** Los Angeles, vampires walk among us. **Ugh**, not vampires again. Hear me out, Deb. Vampires are among us and have been since the dawn of time. And Los Angeles. Well, there's more vampires **per person here** than anywhere else in the world. People are killed by vampires all the time, but their secret vampire society covers it up. Who blew up that warehouse in Santa Monica? Vampires! What happened to the crew of the **Elizabeth Dane**? Vampires! Want to know what happened to that sarcophagus that dissappeared? Vampires took it. The prince of vampires to be more specific. He wants to use it against a **league** (?) of other vampires that **have been trying** to get a foothold in our city. And get this! There could be an even older vampire in the sarcophagus. An ancient super vampire! Right, vampires, they're everywhere. You can't throw a rock in this city without hitting a vampire. It's the truth, Deb. ???Beyond they??? are all around us. We need to rise up and destroy our evil vampire overlords before it's too late! You heard him folks. Gather up your crosses, garlic and neck braces. Oh, brother. Well, Deb's not undead but the sun will be up soon and she's dead tired. She's going home to get some hard earned R&R. But don't worry. She'll be back same time same station tomorrow night. Until then fans, don't let the vampires bite. (advertisements repeating)

   

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